Thursday, June 5, 2014

My WW's vs. Civilization

Here I am, gracefully gliding through Walmart grocery shopping, I have a smile on my face as my WW's are preciously singing gospel hymns through the isles. My cart is neatly organized with healthy fruits and vegetables that my WW's eagerly picked out. Goober and Monkey are holding hands like the loving brothers that they are, and Tuckerbeans is quietly napping....

Seriously..I need to stop daydreaming! Why must I tease myself like that? Maybe its therapeutic. Maybe its my brain trying to preserve the little chunks of sanity I have remaining. Who knows.

Taking my children in public is about the same process as springing Godzilla loose in the city. Equal amounts of screaming, terror, and destruction.

I don't know what makes my 9 year old think its funny to hide on the shelves, or in between the paper towel boxes. He likes to jump out and scare me and then get mad when I yell at him to stop hiding in the toilet paper. Then I am the bad mom because I never let him have any fun. Goober has a bad habit of hiding in shelves and clothing racks, another popular choice for scaring mom. My brother and I went to Kohls once and Goober was playing "army". He was hiding in and out of the clothing racks shooting at us with his finger gun as we would walk by. Goober being Goober noticed a Kohls employee organizing a rack and thought it would be funny to scare her as well. Just as she is hanging clothes up, he jumps out at her and starts shooting at her with his finger gun and making machine gun noises at her. I don't know if she was more traumatized by a little boy jumping out at her, or me telling Goober, "WE SPARE THE WOMEN AND CHILDREN!" If you can't beat em'..join em'.
Another lovely time grocery shopping, Goober thought it would be funny to fart in the juice isle and then run out telling me that a lady is going to walk through his fart. Nice, Goob. Well planned. Why didn't I think of that??
Another one of my favs, Goober announcing at the top of his lungs "GOTTA POOP!!" and then making a mad dash to the can. Really?? It never failed. Every damn trip to Walmart, Goober has to poop.
He hasn't changed with age either.

Bringing Monkey into civilization comes with a whole new set of "set backs." Goober at least stays by the cart, for the most part. Monkey Butters on the other hand....its like leashing a wild boar into the jungle for the first time in its life. The gates of Walmart open and all Monkey Butt can think (I can read minds) is, "I'M FREE!! I'M F**KIN FREE B**CHES!! CATCH ME IF YOU CAN!!" and hes gone. Out of sight. I'm so thankful for Goober at times like these because he can chase after Monkey and drag him back for me. Monkey can dart in and out of the isles faster than a Cheetah chasing down a Gazelle.  (Whats with all my animal references?) The end result is probably the same. A lot of kicking and screaming, and sometimes even some blood shed from falling, or running into a lady in a wheel chair.
Maybe that's why Goober always has to poop in the store? Goob uses it as an excuse to get away from having to lasso his brother every 5 seconds? Hrmph. I wonder.

Tuckerbeans is my little introvert. He's not a fan of strangers. He's also not really a fan of Walmart.(I don't blame him, I hate Walmart too) He recently has been transitioned to not having an infant car seat so now he sits in the top part of the cart when we shop. It never fails. Every time I get him situated in the cart and buckled in, he spits up EVERYWHERE! So now, I've been in Walmart for about 3.4958672 seconds, I'm wiping spit up off the walls of Walmart, I have a toddler on the loose, and a 9 year old yelling he has to take a dump. AWESOME!
Now before I can even think about what I need to buy, I have to first straight jacket and chain my children to the cart.
Annnndddd we're finally shopping.

Why is it that people feel the need to get right up in a baby's face to goo-goo and ga-ga at them?? Ohhhh and now my child is screaming bloody murder because he doesn't know you and you just basically licked his face from getting too close. Thank you for that, cuz NOW, I have a screaming baby, and my toddler just saw an opportunity and took off again....(and everyone wonders why I can't quit smoking)

Yesterday I was at my Great Grandma's funeral, (love ya Great Grandma O.) and i'm looking around before the service at all the moms who brought their little folk. I cant help but be curious as to HOW THE HELL DO YOU GET YOUR KIDS TO BE NORMAL LITTLE PEOPLE???? ITS NOT FAIR!!!!!
I got asked numerous times, "where are you boys?" WELL! Now you know!! :) :)

Don't even get me started on restaurant outings....

Wiener Wishes,
Carly